OZ CLUB

Hey guys. Hope all is well.
'Why do you hate clubbin'?' I get this question all the time. Hmmm why do I hate clubbin'? From the top of my head there are four main reasons. By the way I never go to the club willingly. I just mysteriously end up there. My friends and their tricks...I fall for them all the time.

1. I am the type of person, who people will always designate as the driver. Why? Because I am the type of person who does not like the taste of those drinks appropriately named piss, by some clever or not so clever person. The point is, I hate being the designated driver. I constantly fear that someone's bowel contents might end up in my car or may 'beautify' my clothes at like 6 am in the morning, when I am so tired and I want to sleep, but noooo I have to clean up my clothes or my car to get rid of that nasty nasty stuff and smell.
2. There are those people who like to sit down in the club and watch people dance, as they are having their drinks. Well, these people can be placed into 2 categories: Perverts and People who just like to sit down in the club and watch people dance, as they are having their drinks. I fall into the latter. I enjoy sitting down and watching people dance as I am having my drink. I do find it really interesting to watch people, as they dance or cuddle or slip and fall or fight or whatever is to your liking. There can be that guy who is dancing like a duck, whose wings are not where they are supposed to be. Instead they are tucked under its belly and as it tries to walk the legs hit the wings and it is like it...(if you are not following, I am talking about the duck and how it relates to 'that guy') is going to fall but it quickly regains its balance and this goes on repeatedly. It gets too frustrating to watch this guy dance like he is almost going to fall but does not. I wish he would just fall, get over with it!
So, I shift my eyes to this woman, the type of woman who is dressed in environmental clothes. Environmental clothes are those clothes that happen to be green, brown or grey in colour. Her hair is either red or she has these greasy, untidy-looking dreadlocks. She is standing in the middle of the dancefloor. Its like her legs have been nailed to that spot. All she does is wave her hands in the air, miming the words of the song being loudly played, as the disco light shines upon her. She feels like she is one with nature, one with the song and one with the club:the music is in her as she is in the music. She gets boring to watch. Even you can't watch someone waving their hands for a whole 3 hours, can you?
The next thing I see is a person running from one end of the club to the dancefloor. This person dances by throwing his hands in all directions and jerking his legs, as he works the dancefloor. He doesnn't realize that by jerking his hands and feet, he may face legal suits the next day. The cause of action- Intention to Cause Grievous Bodily Harm. In 2 minutes the dancefloor is completely empty and Mr. Jerking hands and feet is the only one there, now jerking his whole body, working it like the world is about to end in a millisecond. I look at the dancefloor people. They have this look on their face, the look that says, 'Why is this freak of nature trying to ruin our night?!' These people want this maniac to grace the dancefloor with his absence. They are afraid to assist him to achieve this (probably by use of force), for fear that they may end up not having their beloved eyes or teeth. Next thing you see, is this lady coming from where Mr. Jerk came from. She has this embarrassed, no very embarrassed look on her face. I assume it's the girlfriend because it can't be the mother and it can't be the sister. She convinces him to leave the danceloor. She now apologetically looks at the dancefloor people and they respond by having this 'your boyfriend, aka Mr. Jerk Freak, might not have a body to jerk next time if we see him on this dancefloor again' look. However, my friends at this stage think am very bored, so they drag me into the dancefloor, cheer me on, encourage me to dance-I shift my legs to the right then to the left, wiggling and woggling my head, as my hands do this dishwashing action. I see other Africans facing us with the 'what the...' expressions on their faces. My friends then encourage to go back and have a sit. I think they are embarrassed, well why did they ask me to dance in the first place, if they knew I like to sit and watch people dance as I am having my drink?!
3. You meet the weirdest people. Taxi drivers, stalkers, taxi drivers, stalkers and taxi drivers. Why taxi drivers? One of them stole my mobile phone, the other one of them kept giving me this slimy, sleazy, licking lips, undressing, drooling, icky look. To top it off he gives me his number tells me to give him a call. I got off the taxi, a kilometer away from my place and had to walk home at a time when the owls are thinking, 'what the hell is this small, dark like night human doing walking at this time? let's give her a scare. whooo hoo hoo...' And so instead of walking, I ran home like a mad person. All this so that bwana taxi driver wouldn't know where I lived.
4. Being a cheapskate, I hate to spend money. So, if I go to the club I don't buy any soft drinks. I choose to drink water. I hear it is embarrassing to be with a person who drinks water in the club. Is that so?
There goes...If you allow me not to be the designated driver who likes to watch to watch people dancing while having a glass of water, then we will have a jolly good time in the club.
Cheers guys.