Monday, November 02, 2009

The 4 Most Annoying PSV Users (in response to Revival of VI suggestion by Kibet)

Lucky you, if you do not have to use public service vehicles (PSVs), you don’t have to go through what ‘we’ (we, the people who use PSVs because we have no choice but to use PSVs) go through. Lucky you, who uses PSVs, because it does make your life a little bit more interesting. Really, I enjoy taking the matatu or the bus. I meet people who are soooo irritating/bothersome/irksome that they turn out to be really interesting. They make your day…or night. CNN’s article on ‘The 12 most annoying Facebookers’ inspired me to break my blogging hiatus and write this article, aptly, named…(drum roll)…this name is just so attention-grabbing, wait for it...“The 4 most annoying PSV users!”

1. The Incessant Talker/Toucher
Yes, these people ceaselessly talk because they think that if they stop ceaselessly talking, then they’ll stop being idiots and because they do not want to stop being idiots they talk ceaselessly. These incessant talkers also do not respect one’s personal space. Like this one time, there’s one who sat next to me in the bus…He sighs, then it all starts…
Man in the bus: (Touches my hand) “Haiya, ni saa gapi?”
Me: “6.30pm”
Man in the bus: “Hei hei hei, kwani nitafika Kawangware saa gapi?”
Me: (Silence)Bus starts moving…we reach Holy Family Basilica…
Man in the bus: (touches my thigh) “I am Catholicism. Mimi hueda hiyo Kanisa. Unaijua? Holey Familey?”
Me: (I nod my head, remove my MP3 player and everything that could go wrong, at that moment does go wrong. My MP3 has no battery power! Anyhoo, I put on the earphones and I look out the window).

Man in the bus: (Taps my thigh, 3 taps, points to the front of the bus) “Hei, agalia. Coductor ni mwanamuke!”
Me: (Silence, I pretend to adjust my earphones, thinking he’ll get the message that “I’m listening to music, so stop talking to me!” but I was not actually listening to music, just pretending to listen to music because if I had not forgotten to charge my MP3 player the day before, I would in fact be listening to music and I would not have to pretend to be listening to music…You get the drift).

Man in the bus: (3 taps on my thigh)
Me: (Silence)Man in the bus: (5 taps on my thigh) “Saaasaaa huyu coductor anapikia watoto wake saa gapi? Tsk tsk tsk. Na bwana yake, anakula saa gapi? Ahhhhh siwesi kuoa mwanamuke kama huyu aki aki! Siwesi!”
Me: “Excuse me? Wacha nipite, nataka kushuka.”Man in the bus: “Unataka kushuka?
Me: I feel like saying "Hapana sitaki kushuka. Nataka kusimama na kusukuma watu. What does it look like?! but I say, "Eeeee"Man in the bus: Ok Byyyyeee!”

2. The Pushers
Don’t you just hate people who push for no reason? You’ll find them at Kencom or Panafric. I have been hurt or bruised by them a couple of times. So, you find ten route number 7 buses at Kencom and out of the ten, nine are empty. But noooo, these pushers have to push, shove as they try to get into a bus that is almost full. And they feel like they’ve achieved something great by getting into that bus. They also think that they’ll get to their destination before I do. Me, who decided take an empty route 7 bus, did not have to push and I GOT A REALLY NICE SEAT BY THE WINDOW and the bus that I took, eventually overtakes the bus that you pushed soo hard to get into and SO I GET TO MY DESTINATION BEFORE YOU DO. TAKE THAT! Then, there are those people who push to get into an empty bus. Imagine this…we were five people at the bus stop. An empty KBS arrives. Four people rush to the door…they push and shove…I look at them and think “Why do Kenyans like suffering, when they do not have to? Why do Kenyans like the harsh life?” “Why can’t we all love one another and STOP PUSHING!”

3. The Big People
Woe unto you if you get a three seater aisle seat. So, you get an aisle seat… “At least I got a seat” (You think you are lucky)…“Not bad. I can watch the TV” (for those of you who luckily do not use PSVs, we are lucky enough to watch Mr. Bean and America’s Funniest Home Videos, as buses now have TV. So, while you are stuck in the jam in your private vehicle looking at the buses and PSV users with disdain, the fact is, in that jam, all you can listen to in those private vehicle of yours, is some radio presenter’s raspy or squeaky voice and the songs being played are the songs you listened to yesterday and the day before yesterday, when you were stuck in the jam at the same spot. However, we PSV users, enjoy and watch funny TV and laugh our hearts out. Being in the jam for a TV watching PSV user is like, eating a good blackforest cake. Enjoyable and satisfying. TAKE THAT private vehicle users!). Oh, back to what I was writing/saying. So, you think you are lucky to have an aisle seat…then a heavy set woman gets into the bus and the person sitting next to you, suddenly decides that he does not want to go to Kawangware, so he stands up and beckons this heavy set woman to come sit. “Ahhhhh!” (you scream, in your head). And the heavy set woman sits on your thigh and …. “Lord why?!”(You ask). You decide to move your thigh from under her heavy set thigh and now, you end up sitting on the edge of the aisle seat, sliding off the seat every time the bus makes a left turn. Then, another heavy set woman, more heavy set than the heavy set woman sitting next to you, gets into the bus and she hits you on the face with her heavy heavy set behind and (sigh).

4. The Eaters
Ok, I’m guilty of being an eater but I just eat a block of chocolate. Ok, I eat the whole thing. I do not think eating chocolate is a faux pas compared to eating fries/chips or even worse, sugar cane in the bus. So, the smell of the fries killing hungry people…lady chewing fries with mouth open, making loud icky chewing noises, burping… Lady (not the fries-eating lady) eating sugar cane …chewing with her mouth open, sucking the sugar cane loudly (you can hear the sugar cane juice trickle into her oesophagus), chucking the sugar cane fibres from her mouth to your clothes…and BURP! So, do you have your list of the “X most annoying PSV users?”

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